"Where there is no vision..."

"Feel within deep latent urges to get things done,
to be rising above this slough of unconscious mediocrity that seems to characterize my days.
Father, if these strong currents be flesh driven,
I pray thee staunch and slay them,
but if sublimated, channeled into courses which will do Thy service,
then intensify them,
mobilize them,
give them direction, 
for I long--Thou knowest how earnestly--
that the bride of Thine own dear Son be made perfect and entire in my day.
Yea, Lord, if it cost me my bride in this life,
let me have They grace and power to bring to the Lamb the reward of His sufferings."

~~ 21 year old Jim Elliot
December 22, 1948
7 years before his slaughter on the mission field at the hand of the savages he committed to sharing the gospel with

This has been a wonderful first week of this new year!!

I was looking back at our first week of last year and was reminded that we were in the midst of a horrible stomach virus.

I'm oh, so grateful, to not be dealing with that!

You can read about it here.

We are still on Winter Break.....yep, no school.

Can I just say that I think that has been the smartest decision I've made concerning our homeschooling to date.

THREE weeks of winter break...no school.

There is usually no way that I am ready to jump back in to being strangled by the clock and all the things that have to be done everyday just to stay on track on the Monday after 2 weeks of reveling and celebration and the weekend with church and Christmas and New Year's Day!!!

We have enjoyed leisurely putting away the Christmas tree and the lights,

and getting the laundry caught up, and some cleaning done.

My husband and I have updated our yearly budget this week and have a plan!!

I climbed under both sets of bunkbeds in my girls' room and hauled out unbelievable things!!

I sat down with two of my children and we talked through some goals for projects we want to complete this spring toward earning some badges in our Master Club program at church on Wednesday nights. 

I've tried a couple new plant-based recipes from a folder of ideas I put together when looking through magazines, pulling out what I would actually use and tossing the magazine after it had been pilfered.

I've filled in our new calendar with all the appointments and special dates we need to remember.

I've pulled off all the Christmas pictures from last year {2010} that are on my frig., and put up all the fresh, new pictures from this past Christmas{2011}.

I've had time to knead through some ideas for a better system of making my weekly grocery lists, and maybe a daily to-do list to give me more focus during my days.

But most importantly,
I've been thinking about some goals for this year.
And a plan to make those goals a reality.

First, I did eventually finish memorizing the entire book of Philippians in 2011.
I loved doing that and it was fairly easy to work on during my hour long walks listening to the scriptures on my smart phone.
I'm pondering which book to work on this year.
It may take me longer than a year.
Maybe Galatians, maybe Ruth....or ESTHER!
For more on the critical need for scripture memorization in our lives....watch here.
I've also been thinking about naming this year.
To give it more clarity and focus for what I want to study and live out more authentically.
Last year, 2011, was "The Year of Grace."
I may need to do that one over some time.
But because of this marvelous freedom we have in Christ, because of His great love and mercy and forgiveness, upon our salvation, our accepting His free gift.....
it naturally causes me to want to draw nearer to Him.....to worship.....adore.
I want to know more about what true, authentic worship means.
Is all worship offered with sincerity and reverence acceptable to Him?
I want to explore how my own worship may be falling short or if it is quite anemic.
What more can I offer Him?
These are things I want to focus on studying and listening for.
So I'm naming 2012 my "Year of Worship."
For more on this idea, see here and here.

On a health note, by God's grace alone, I've been able to maintain the weight loss I reached in 2010.  
My goal at the beginning of last year was to get to the bottom of some hitches I was having with my thyroid levels.
Thankfully, I found a tremendous amount of relief from adding natural progesterone cream, completely ditching all my hygiene products that I learned are full of harmful chemicals and xenoestrogens, and my husband and I have determined to journey to a more plant-based diet.
We've gone dairy-free, and virtually left animal products behind.
It hasn't been easy with the children and we're still not perfect in our nutrition,
but we're progressing.
Moving forward in the journey to better health.
As a result, my endocrinologist lowered my dose of levothyroxine at my last visit.
I've had to be off all my allergy meds for the last month, and so far no infections and not a whole lot of itching/sneezing/congestion.
At least I can get by with minimal amounts of over-the-counter allergy meds.
We are saving to purchase a juicer, which we found to be very beneficial to us this last fall when my husband borrowed a Breville and lost 25 pounds in 15 days of strict juicing.
I even lost 7 more pounds in the 5 days I joined him!!!

Lots of things on the bucket list this year, and I'm very excited.
Excited to see what the Lord has in store for us, and to offer thanks for it all!!

News from the front lines

My dear sweet husband decided that this year we could use a little of our income tax refund for something fun for the whole family. My children and my husband have an INSATIABLE

appetite for games of any kind, whether it be board games, card games, outdoor sports, or computer games. Some of my children act as if they don't play some kind of game at least once every day that they will literally go into cardiac arrest on the spot. I don't care either way. It makes no difference to me whatsoever if I'm aware that a new game is available or that I play a game.

Ambivalent is a great word to describe my feelings about games.

That really makes me no fun.

But whip out some chocolate chips, a great kitchen aide mixer, and a fun recipe and I'm there!!

Anyway, my husband goes on a mission to find a great gaming system for our family. He does all the research, polls all his friends, and decides the best fit for us would be a Wii. Unfortunately, EVERYONE feels the same way about this system and Nintendo obviously can't keep up with the demand, so he couldn't find one.

Anywhere.

Believe me, he went EVERYWHERE!!

So he went with his second choice, the XBox Live.

You should've seen the excitement in my house when he walked through the door with this.

He spent the rest of Monday evening getting this all set-up and learning how to use this, and then threw me under the bus on Tuesday. He goes off to work and I'm left with 4 game-starved children who acted like they had never eaten nor would they ever eat again in their lives.

My son was OFF-THE-CHARTS high-strung.

By the end of the day, I was ready for the thing to go back to the store.

It's not worth the grief and emotional havoc it wreaked on my son.

It was like he hadn't even taken his medication, INTUNIV.

Which further confirmed in my mind that I can't expect (which I honestly did not) one pill to be the answer to all his issues. It's going to take more work on our part as a family to adjust our routines, and our attitudes and reactions, as well as eliminate those triggers for him. Obviously, letting him play endless hours of XBox (even if he's learning a new game) is NOT going to be conducive to a quiet and calm mind for him. We are going to have to figure out a very strict schedule for him (which will include everyone in the family because if one is playing you can be sure he will be watching and "coaching"). Today, we have banned anyone from the Xbox until later in the day when we have everything finished in the way of schoolwork, as well as limited time because we have church services to go to tonight. My son is much quieter and calmer.......(huge sigh of relief here.)

On another note, I did get a call from my endocrinologist yesterday evening with the results from all my tests he ran last Wednesday. He just confirmed what my oldest daughter already knows about me.

I'm normal.

Just plain Jane NORMAL.

Thyroid levels are back in normal ranges.

Blood platelet levels back in normal ranges.

Antibody levels pointing to Hashimoto's Disease were negative (normal ranges).

Biopsy was negative for cancer.

I guess it's good to be boring.....just normal.

But we are going to up my dosage of the levothyroxine to 75 mg. to see if that helps with how cold I've felt here lately. But of course, now the outdoor temperatures will be getting warmer the farther we get into March, so that will help too!! I guess I won't be moving to Hawaii after all.

The biopsy

Yesterday afternoon I had my second visit with my endocrinologist. This wasn't really supposed to be treated as a follow-up visit from my initial meeting with him in January, but it kinda ended up that way. He wanted me to come back yesterday so he could do his own ultrasound of my thyroid to get a good look at these nodules I have going on there. He also wanted to biopsy the largest nodule by doing a fine needle aspiration. When he described this procedure to me in January, I left with the impression that this needle was very small, and "fine". I was thinking like the size of my daughter's insulin syringe. Something like this:

But, no, in reality it was more like THIS:

Yes!!

That was precisely MY reaction too.

After he did the ultrasound, he decided he was going to bypass the biopsy because the nodule is so small. He showed me all the pictures and kept pointing out how small it was. But then, he seemed to give it a second thought and felt it for himself again. This time he noticed that it really moves around a lot. That seemed to bother him. I told him I was fine with whatever he decided to do and that I was not going to be disappointed if he didn't do the biopsy, but since I was there anyway it would be fine if he went ahead with it. Then if the results come back as nothing, that's great news. So he went ahead with it.

I have to be honest and say that it certainly wasn't pleasant, but it was pretty quick, and not that terribly painful. I'll spare you the nasty details, but the doctor said it really looked like a "colloid nodule" to him which in laymen's terms means benign. But we'll know for sure when the results come back.

After all that was over, we talked about another blood draw. I explained to him that since I started the levothyroxine in January my intolerance to cold has gotten worse.

MUCH worse.

To the point it is distracting and extremely noticeable.

It's the worst at night time, and tapers off by morning.

I shiver getting ready for bed and have to use extra blankets, much to the chagrin of my already overheated husband. He is very tolerant of all my high maintenance stuff, but the extra blankets make him hotter than he already is, so I hear about that.

When I was sick this last weekend, I had to use a heating pad plus 2 extra blankets on top of the comforter, WITH a FEVER, and I became consumed with how I couldn't get warm.

I told all this to my doctor who immediately said it was time to check my thyroid levels now instead of waiting until the end of March as he decided in January. I also asked if he could check for the antibody levels to see if I have Hashimoto's Disease going on. It is an auto-immune disease where your body basically attacks the thyroid and shuts it down completely, so you have to have a replacement hormone in the form of a pill (levothyroxine). It's treated the same way as simple hypothyroidism, but it's important to know that because you are prone to other auto-immune disorders and the doctors can watch for that. We're also checking to see why my first set of blood work showed that my blood platelets were low. There are auto-immune disorders associated with that too, so it's important to just check all this out.

So, I'm hoping and praying that all of this will be nothing more than a needed increase in the dosage of levothyroxine that I'm currently taking. I'm only on 50 mg. right now, and with the cold issue the doctor is thinking I need to go up on that. If that doesn't help, I'm moving to Hawaii where it's warmer!!!

My new thing.....

So a couple weeks ago, I saw an endocrinologist.

See, for quite a while now I just haven't been feeling myself.

I don't know exactly who I was feeling like.....but it WASN'T me.

I can't even tell you when I first noticed this. It kinda snuck up on me.

I just know that 2009 was an excruciatingly stressful year for me (and our family.)

What with Ashlyn's diagnosis of Type 1 Diabetes in February (to start our year off right),

to Lexi and Grant's diagnosis of ADHD in August and with my husband's crazy night shift work schedule. I just started feeling like I was loosing control of my household and that just put me

in emergency mode all the time. I started noticing that I was yelling and raging mad at SOMETHING every day (it seemed like). Then I would feel depressed about the future

of my family. I was constantly putting out fires and dodging shoes that were being thrown

by the children at each other.

Then there is my weight.

I feel like I'm two of me.

I'm not used to being this heavy.

But I haven't lost a single pound since Aryn was born two years ago.

Then there is this fog!!

I literally feel like I'm two steps behind everybody and that I can't remember anything...

ANY...THING!

Not just this silly, oh, I can't remember where I put my keys today.

I can't remember why I came in here.

But what was I doing before I came in here?

If I don't write it down on my calendar, I will NOT remember that I have an appointment.

I can't remember names of people, or things that I should know.

Just foggy....like my head is in a cloud!!

So I started talking.

Talking to my friend who is handling some thyroid issues (thank you Amber!!!), talking to my mom who has been dealing with her thyroid since junior high school, talking to my sister who is also managing a thyroid thing.

I started reading.

Reading on the internet.

But what I was feeling didn't always line up with what I was hearing or reading.

So then while in casual conversation one day with my friend, I happened to try to feel my thyroid to see if I could tell whether or not it was enlarged.

Low and behold there is a knot on it.

I was thinking, "WHAT? You've GOT to be kidding?"

I had never noticed it before, you can't see it in the mirror, and it doesn't bother me to swallow.

I decided then and there to just go and get things checked out. If I was wrong, no big deal.

If there was something there, then let's get it fixed.

So I started by calling my OB/GYN (who I LOVE) and made an appointment for a general physical.

I told him about what had been going on this last year, and how I was feeling, and casually mentioned that I had found this small marble size knot on what I THOUGHT was my thyroid.

He felt it and agreed that it should NOT be there.

He sent me to have an ultrasound on my thyroid as well as having bloodwork done too.

When that all came back, he recommended that I see an endocrinologist.

So I went.

And he diagnosed me as having "Hypothyroidism" which is the big term for under active thyroid.

Which would also explain why all- of- a -sudden I couldn't get warm at night.

I was just thinking that I was most comfortable wearing sweats to bed with 3 blankets because it was 12 degrees overnight here recently.

Well, the temps have gone back up to a balmy 40 degrees and I'm still FREEZING at night.

So I'm taking 50 mg. of "levothyroxine" until my next blood draw in a couple months to check and see if this is a good dose for me or not.

I also go back next month for another ultrasound of my thyroid and that knot,

as well as a "fine needle aspiration" of the knot.

Think amniocentesis......of this knot.

It involves poking a needle into this thing and drawing out whatever is in it to check for cancer

and whatever else could be causing this.

Now, my doctor is not overly worried that this is what it is, but he's just checking to be sure.

I'm good with that......the needle....not so much.

He has reassured me though that this offending needle is VERY fine (like finer than my daughter's insulin syringes), so I'm actually not even freaking out about it.

Thankfully this is the all-American condition and is extremely common.

In fact, I bet you know of a lady who is or has had a problem with their thryoid and needs medication for it.

Hence, the medication is extremely cheap. (You might think that because of that the opposite would be true!!!)

Like $10 for a 90-day supply.....at my Kroger pharmacy.

It's the same at Wal-Mart if I'm not mistaken.

I started feeling old when I left the parking lot of the endocrinologist.

A little scene from the movie "Pollyanna" went through my mind.

The one where Pollyanna visits that cranky lady who thinks she is dying (you'll remember that I will not be able to remember her name right now...),

and the lady says "I'm on death's doorstep. Just pills and bills!!"

That's me.

Staring at the big 4-0 in little more than a week here, and already popping pills

first thing in the morning.

But I hope it helps me remember things better,

and that I'll start to thaw out!!!