What does spiritual abuse even look like? Part 2

The other day, we looked at the first 4 symptoms of a spiritually abusive system.

Let's carefully consider the last 3 symptoms, as outlined in David Johnson and Jeff VonVanderen's book,
The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse.

""The following characteristics are what make these spiritual abusive systems difficult to escape:"

5. Paranoia
"In a place where authority is grasped and legislated, not simply demonstrated, persecution sensitivity builds a case for keeping everything within the system. Why? Because of the evil, dangerous, or unspiritual people outside of the system who are trying to weaken or destroy "us."
This mentality builds a strong wall or bunker around the abusive system, isolates the abusers from scrutiny and accountability, and makes it more difficult for people to leave -- because they will then be outsiders too.
Let's never forget that one of our (Christians) main functions in guiding God's flock is to find spiritual help for hurting people --even if it means submitting to someone who has expertise in an area where we have little or no wisdom."


6. Misplaced Loyalty
"The next characteristic of spiritually abusive systems is that a misplaced sense of loyalty is fostered and even demanded. We're not talking about loyalty to Christ, but about loyalty to a given organization, church, or leader.
A common way this is accomplished is by setting up a system where disloyalty to or disagreement with the leadership is construed as the same thing as disobeying God.
Questioning leaders is equal to questioning God.
After all, the leader is the authority, and authority is always right.
This causes people to misplace their loyalty in a leader, a church, or an organization.
Leadership projects a "we alone are right" mentality which permeates the system. Members must remain in the system if they want to be "safe" or to stay "on good terms" with God, or not to be viewed as wrong or "backslidden."
Scare tactics used if you try to leave:
"God is going to withdraw His Spirit from you and your family."
"God will destroy your business."
"Without protection, Satan will get your children."
"You and your family will come under a curse."

This is spiritual blackmail and it is abuse."


7. Secretive

"People don't hide what is appropriate; they hide what is inappropriate.
One reason spiritually abusive families and churches are secretive is because they are so image conscious.
People in these systems can't even live up to their own performance standards, so they have to hide what is real. Some believe they must do this in order to protect God's good name. So how things look and what others think becomes more important than what's real. They become God's "public relations agents."
When these characteristics exist in a church or Christian family system, the result will be spiritual abuse. It will be a closed system, with rigid boundaries that prevent people from leaving. There will be the perception of a lot of evil on the outside, to keep people in, and there will be a lot of power postured on the inside to compel you to perform. There will also be tired, wounded people who feel that they are either unspiritual or crazy. And they will have major problems relating to God from the heart."

What does spiritual abuse even look like? Part 1

A couple of years ago I was introduced to an amazing book by David Johnson and Jeff VonVanderen entitled "The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse."

It is a must read for anybody who feels they might have been or are being spiritually abused.
I'm going to quote from this book because it is so powerful.

First let's define the term "spiritual abuse."

"Spiritual abuse is the mistreatment of a person who is in need of help, support, or greater spiritual empowerment, with the result of weakening, undermining, or decreasing that person's spiritual empowerment.

Spiritual abuse can occur when a leader uses his or her spiritual position to control or dominate another person.  It often involves overriding the feelings and opinions of another, without regard to what will result in the other person's state of living, emotions, or spiritual well-being.

It can also occur when spirituality is used to make others live up to a "spiritual standard "  This promotes external "spiritual performance " also without regard to an individual's actual well-being or is used as a means of "proving" a person's spirituality."

"Not all strong Christian leaders are abusive, nor are all spiritual systems abusive.

There is no such thing as a perfect family or church where people don't ever get hurt.

But the difference between an abusive and a non-abusive system is that while hurtful behaviors might happen in both, it is not permissible to talk about problems, hurts and abuses in the abusive system.  Hence, there is no healing and restoration after the wound has occurred, and the victim is made to feel at fault for questioning or pointing out the problem."

So what does a spiritually abusive system look like?

According to David Johnson and Jeff VonVanderen, something like this:

1. Power-Posturing
"Power posturing simply stated means that leaders spend a lot of time focused on their own authority and reminding others of it as well. This is necessary because their spiritual authority isn't real - based on genuine godly character - it is postured.
....They spend a lot of energy posturing about how much authority they have and how much everyone else is supposed to submit to it. The fact that they are eager to place people under them - under their word, under their 'authority' - is one easy-to-spot clue that they are operating in their OWN authority."
"In this flock, I'm the Chief Shepherd."
"Because I'm the pastor, that's why!"
"How dare you doubt me!"
"Don't be a troublemaker."
"Keep the peace."
"Submit to your elder."

2. Performance Preoccupation

"In abusive spiritual systems, power is postured and and authority is legislated. Therefore, these systems are preoccupied with the performance of their members. Obedience and submission are two important words often used.
Yes, obedience to God is not negotiable. Yet, the way to tell if someone is doing the right thing for the wrong reason is if they are keeping track of it.
If obedience and service is flowing out of you as a result of your DEPENDENCE on God alone you won't keep track of it with an eye toward reward, you'll just do it.
But if you're preoccupied with whether you've done enough to please God, then you're not looking at Him, you're looking at your own works."
"For many reasons, followers sometimes obey or follow orders to avoid being shamed, to gain someone's approval, or to keep their spiritual statues or church position intact. This is not true obedience or submission; it is compliant self-seeking. When behavior is simply legislated from the outside, instead of coming from a heart that loves God, it cannot e called obedience. It is merely weak compliance with some form of external pressure."
"Do not be CONFORMED, but be TRANSFORMED by the renewing of your mind."
Romans 12:2

3. Unspoken Rules
"Unspoken rules are those that govern unhealthy or families but are not said out loud. Because they are not said out loud, you don't find out that they're there until you break them.
The most powerful of all unspoken rules in the abusive system is what we have already termed the "can't-talk" rule. The "can't-talk" rule has this thinking behind it: 'The real problem cannot be exposed because then it would have to be dealt with and things would have to change; so it must be protected behind walls of silence (neglect) or by assault (legalistic attack). If you speak about the problem out loud, YOU ARE THE PROBLEM.
The truth is, when people talk about problems out loud they don't cause them, the simply expose them.
Too many churches communicate this kind of shaming message: 'The problem is not that your boundaries were crossed and violated, the problem is that you talked." 

4. Lack of Balance

"The fourth characteristic of a spiritually abusive system is an unbalanced approach to living out the truth of the Christian life. This shows itself in two extremes:

1. Extreme Objectivism
This is seen in religious systems where even though the Holy Spirit's work might be acknowledged theologically, on a practical level it would be suspect or denied.
The objective spiritual system limits God to act only in those ways that we can explain, prove, or experience. It puts God in a box. We are left with a Trinity of God the Father, God the Son, and God the Bible - as if understanding and memorizing Scripture is the only way to hear From God. We are relegated to songs that commemorate how God used to do things. We no longer worship the great I AM, but the great "I Was."

2. Extreme Subjectivisim
In this system, people can't know or understand truths (even if they really do understand or know them) until the leaders "receive them by spiritual revelation from the Lord" and "impart" them to the people. In such systems, it is more important to act according to the word of a leader who has "a word" for you than to act according to what you know to be true from Scripture, or simply from your spiritual growth-history."

Part 2 will cover the last three characteristics of an abusive system as outlined in the book, The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse.

Why I feel compelled to write about "Spiritual Abuse"

"It was for freedom that Christ set us free;

therefore keep standing firm

and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery."

Galatians 5:1 (NASB)

"You were bought with a price;

do not become slaves of men."

I Corinthians 7:23  (NASB)

"For by grace you have been saved through faith.

And this is not your own doing;

it is the gift of God, not a result of works,

so that no one may boast."

Ephesians 2:8-9  (ESV)

During the last several years, intertwined with my weight loss journey, the Lord began working in my heart about "my own practice of Christianity."  I had found some things online through a bizarre chain of events that alerted me to some really disturbing things being brought to light about the church denomination that our family belongs to (NOT our own church specifically.) 

Some of those things really frightened me.

I began searching.

Hearing and reading stories of abuse.

Horrible things that made me really mad, at first.

I didn't want to believe them.

I didn't want to believe that I had been conned for the greater part of my life.

I became very alert to the subject of Grace.

I wanted to make sure that I really, truly understood what that meant.....what that term looks like.

And what I found has transformed my understanding of our loving Heavenly Father!!

It has deepened my walk with Him!

I am in wonder and gratefulness for what God, in His providence, has spared my life from.

But it has also made me HUNGRY to know the truth.

The truth about love.

The truth about mercy.

The truth about grace.

What a cult really is.........and what it is not.

For some, I can understand how this topic might lose you at the title.

But I know others who are caught, trapped inside a spiritually abusive system.......

either not even realizing that they are in bondage to rules and regulations and a weight God never intended for them to carry......

or knowing full well that they are caught in an environment that fosters horrible abuse and they are desperate to get out.

I want to write about what I've seen can be the awful end result of this.

What happens to people caught up in it.

What it is and what it is not.

I want to write about FREEDOM.

Joyful freedom from the bondage of traditions and religious performances that have been created by men.

Freedom from having to look perfect all the time.

To admit we're in a mess, but that that's ok.

Because isn't that why Christ came?

Right into our mess?

"Emmanuel...God with us."

To free us!!

By His lavish, undeserved grace.

And He paid the price for our freedom....once....for all.

There is nothing more we can do.

It's already done.

Hebrews 10:4-14

English Standard Version (ESV)

⁴ For it is impossible for the blood of bulls and goats to take away sins.
⁵ Consequently, when Christ^[a] came into the world, he said,

“Sacrifices and offerings you have not desired,
    but a body have you prepared for me;
⁶ in burnt offerings and sin offerings
    you have taken no pleasure.
⁷ Then I said, ‘Behold, I have come to do your will, O God,
    as it is written of me in the scroll of the book.’”

⁸ When he said above, “You have neither desired nor taken pleasure insacrifices and offerings and burnt offerings and sin offerings” (these are offered according to the law), ⁹ then he added, “Behold, I have come to do your will.” He does away with the first in order to establish the second. ¹⁰ And by that will we have been sanctified through the offering of the body of Jesus Christ once for all.

¹¹ And every priest stands daily at his service, offering repeatedly the same sacrifices, which can never take away sins. ¹² But when Christ^[b]had offered for all time a single sacrifice for sins, he sat down at the right hand of God, ¹³ waiting from that time until his enemies should be made a footstool for his feet. ¹⁴ For by a single offering he has perfected for all time those who are being sanctified.

Happy 11th Birthday, Grant

Our oldest son turned 11 this month!

Just a few snapshots of his special day.

We let him take the day off of school 

(one of the perks of homeschooling!)

and he had several friends over playing with him later in the afternoon!

Nothing makes this child happier than sharing cupcakes, Minecraft, Legos, and a game of hide-n-seek

with all his buddies!

We love you, Grant, and are praying for God to work in a mighty way in your life!!

A girl's 13th birthday party idea

It's birthday season at our house!!
We start celebrating birthdays in January with our youngest, and have one birthday every month through May.
During April though, we have 3 birthdays in a span of 10 days in addition to our wedding anniversary and extended family members birthdays!!

This year our second born turned 13!!
Yikes!
We now have two teenagers in the house.
(And actually, I reeeeeally like having older children in my house!!  Lots of perks and fun!!)

So when she told me awhile back that she wanted a sleepover this year, I knew I would have to have a theme!!
Birthday party ideas for 13-year old girls can be tricky.
They are too old for a lot of the typical girl stuff, but yet fun enough to still be willing to do something out-of-the-ordinary.
So I got onto Pinterest right away.
When I saw this idea, I knew we probably had a winner!!
Ashlyn was all for it......so a "Camping Party" it was!!

***WARNING:  Lots of pictures ahead!**

 When the girls arrived, this little table was set up with some snacks for them before we left on our scavenger hunt.  These cute little favor boxes contained trail mix for the each girl.

 I thought for sure I took pictures of the entire table and the cute picnic basket set up to hold water bottles.......

I was totally inspired by the idea I saw on pinterest to come up with cupcake display.

Can you tell what it's supposed to look like?

We just made the cupcakes ourselves and spray painted them (with Wilton's edible frosting coloring spray)

to make them look like fire!!

The first activity we did was a scavenger hunt at our local shopping mall.

Ours is all outdoors, so I let the girls go in teams with 5 things written on index cards they had to find.

Here the girls have found a sample of s'more flavored popcorn.

They also had to do things like try on a pair of hiking boots and take a picture to prove it.

When we got home, we were all starving and I made pigs-in-a-blanket, baked beans,

and tator tots.  I served them in recycled tin cans wrapped in a strip of pretty paper and tied with twine.

I'm kickin' myself for not getting a picture of that either!!

Movies came next, followed by making real s'mores in our fireplace!!

The girls did actually start out in the tent in the backyard, but I woke in the morning to find this:

Happy 13th Birthday, Ashlyn!!!

We love you!!

Fun spring art!!

This adorable little art project is not original with me.

It was, indeed, a pinterest find.

But it looked like a winner to me, so my plan was to do this at our "Celebrate Spring" party.

I loved how easy it was for my little ones to do.

Let me just say though, not all soda bottles are created the same.

But don't just take my word for it.....

Pinterest fail.

So here's my tip-of-the-day.....

This project works best with Diet 7-up or Seven-up bottles.

The pattern on the bottom of the bottles is flat so the paint sticks to the entire

flower pattern on the bottom.

If you look at the bottom of Coca-Cola bottles (or Dr.Pepper or Sprite), you'll notice

that the points of the flower patterns are raised and will take the paint

and not the entire flower pattern.

We used the smallest size 6-pack bottle available,

and were extremely happy with the results!

Happy painting!!

Easter Weekend Recap

I won't lie.
I think I love Resurrection Sunday more than Christmas anymore.
Not that the Christmas season is not meaningful and bursting with Scriptural teachable moments,
but that what we're celebrating (the resurrection of Jesus Christ from death and the grave) is the pivotal doctrine on which all of Christianity is based!
His resurrection is proof of all that He did and who He said He was and why He came to earth in the first place.
If He had not risen....then He would be a liar.
I am so profoundly overwhelmed with gratefulness that He defeated death, returned to Heaven, and is seated "at the right hand of the Father," interceding on our behalf.
That's reason to celebrate!
In reality, we should see the words like, "JOY," and "PEACE" at the Easter season!

Since January, my husband and I have been in rehearsals with our church choir for an Easter Cantata.
The weekend finally arrived, we felt prepared and confident, and I end up with a throat infection.
Could hardly talk, much less sing.
But with the Lord's help (and a good microphone!) I was able to perform a monologue as the Samaritan Woman.
My husband performed as Peter.
He was also able to sing along with our choir, though I was not.

Worth Baptist Church: Easter Cantata

(My part starts right around the 20:00 minute mark.

My husband's part is right around the 30:00 minute mark.)



Easter morning we woke to dark overcast skies which added to the ambiance of a "quiet" breakfast
by candlelight reading the scriptures about the women who went to Christ's tomb early in the morning.

(I was only mildly disappointed that the grass seed we planted on our Easter Lenten Garden

refused to grow.)

I hid our "Resurrection Eggs" around the house and after the children scurried to find them all,

they received one of these.

If your not familiar with "Resurrection Eggs" you can find information about them here.

They are one of my very favorite object lessons to teach children the details of the death and resurrection of

Jesus.

 Family pictures followed!

Later that afternoon, we had lunch at friend's home.

We capped off our day of celebration with the final performance of our Easter Cantata,
"Calvary's Love."

I hope you all celebrated with those you love the greatest expression of Love the world has ever seen!